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“There is much evidence that if we do not grieve at the time we are likely to be affected throughout our lives in all kinds of subtle ways. If children do not mourn, their personal development may be restricted”
Dora Black 1993.
It is our responsibility as a school to support in every way possible any child who suffers a ‘loss’. We need to provide an environment that is sensitive and compassionate to the needs of those wishing to grieve and opportunities for discussion, if that will help.
It is helpful to remember that for many children the first experience of loss is likely to be the death of a pet. These opportunities should be taken and used sensitively to discuss the feelings of loss. It is important to remember that there are stages of grief, which may include the following, denial, anger, depression, guilt and acceptance. People generally move through the stages but this process is cyclical. Each may be experienced as part of the mourning process. It is important to allow children, if they wish, to express and share their feelings. Circle time can be a very supportive place to do this.
School Procedures:
In any class on any day there may be a child experiencing loss – be sensitive to this. If it is the loss of a parent inform the Head as soon as possible. The Head should then gather all the relevant details in a sensitive manner. It is important to have essential correct information to disseminate to staff. The Head should then make all other members of staff aware of the situation. If the loss occurs during the school day the Head should encourage a parent or relative to come into school and break the news in an appropriately private place. If the situation is particularly traumatic and the media are involved the deputy Head should consult with the Head and deal with the media, while the Head deals with the situation. In the case of the death of a child at home or at school, the Head, after consulting with the family, should then call a general staff meeting to allow for private grief before telling the rest of the school. The information given to the other pupils should then be clear, to the point and not open to misinterpretation. It is essential in this situation to allow pupils to articulate their thoughts and feelings and to support them in the ways most suitable to them. The staff, who know the parent, should make contact with them. If a child’s loss is as a result of a parent dying, some staff should attend the funeral, if this is approved by the family, to create a link for the child between home and school. The message is “we are here for you”.
Our Aims Would Be:
To help the child to grieve – allow it to happen i.e. give permission To help the child come to terms with their loss, by helping them to:- · accept the loss
· talk about their feelings and emotions
· understand their feelings are normal, explain it to them if necessary
· clarify misunderstandings and be prepared to say “I don’t know”
· cope with family changes
· share by talking about memories eg. looking at a family photo album
To help both the child and the parent to understand each other’s grief. To encourage the child to communicate – the hush or silence surrounding sorrow can be frightening. To encourage children to explore what they are thinking and feeling through talking, drawing, acting, telling stories etc.
In all cases it is really important to be sensitive to the parents needs as well as the child’s.
Some Advice to Staff:
1. DON’Ts
· Don’t advise them not to worry or not to be sad
· Don’t advise them as to what they should feel
· Don’t say you know how they feel ….you don’t!
· Don’t say you should be feeling better now
· Don’t deny their point of view when it comes to value issues eg. religious beliefs
· Don’t encourage parents to hide their grief from their child
2. IDEAS THAT MAY HELP
· Let the child know it’s alright to laugh and have fun as well as grieve
· Ask child how they would like support
· Give them time ie. attention: listen
· Tackle the taboo subjects: be honest when answering their questions
· Involve the child’s special friends
· Be mindful of special days
· Provide boltholes for privacy if required
· Create a special book
· Normalise the child’s thoughts and feelings
· Make a memorial
Remember most children take about a year to feel ‘better’ about their loss but that does not mean certain things will not trigger sadness.
WHEN SHOULD YOU SEEK FURTHER ADVICE?
You may meet children whose reaction give you cause for concern and you have to decide whether to seek additional help. Below are some signs, which may help you make such a decision:
- the child looks sad all the time, apathetic and downcast, and appears depressed
- the child is pretending nothing has happened
- the child feels worthless and makes remarks of bitter self-recrimination
- the child becomes indifferent to how they look and dress
- the child seems tired, is unable to sleep, their health appears to be suffering
- the child denies that they have lost anyone
- the child becomes persistently aggressive
- the child becomes markedly and persistently withdrawn and socially isolated (avoids social activities/wishes to be alone all of the time)
- the child threatens, or talks of suicide
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Make sure you discuss this with parents.
RESOURCES - Book List For Children
Stickney, Doris (1997) Waterbugs and Dragonflies
Mowbray ISBN 0829 81180x
Suitable for younger children. Gives a simple explanation of death and the mystery of life after death, using insects as examples.
Burningham,John Grandpa
Puffin Books ISBN 0-14-050841-4
Suitable for 3-5 yrs. This book deals with the bond between a small girl and her Grandfather. It ends with an empty chair, enabling you to discuss the subject of death.
Limb, Sue Come Back Grandma
Random House ISBN 0-09-921951-4
Suitable for 3-5 yrs. Looks at death, memories and the future in a simple and accessible way.
Varley, Susan (1994) Badger’s Parting Gift
Collins ISBN 06880 26990
Suitable for 5-10 yrs. Ideal book for looking at positive memories.
Padoan, Gianni (1987) Remembering Granddad
Happy Books Milan ISBN 0-85953-311-5
Suitable for 5-10 yrs. A book that deals with the reality of facing up to the death of a Grandparent. Also deals with memories, death and the funeral.
Isherwood, Sheila My Granddad
Oxford University Press ISBN 0-19-272150-X
Suitable for 4-8 yrs. This book looks at happy memories, keepsakes and sadness.
Gran, Wendy (1989) Gran‘s Grave
Lion Publishers
Suitable for 4+ yrs. Deals with the death of a Grandmother.
Goodbye Mog – suitable for 4+ - deals with death of a cat
Joy and Mary Johnson (1978, 1984, 1990) A Centring Corporation
ISBN 1-56123-001-1
Suitable for all age groups. A book dealing with many aspects of death and dying including cremation and the donation of a body.
(1994)The Huge Bag of Worries
Published children 1st. Royal Scottish Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children Tel: 0131-337-8539.
Suitable for 5-10 yrs. A booklet suitable for children who may have an emotional problem as well as bereavement.
BOOK LIST FOR TEENAGERS – maybe suitable for older juniors
Day, David (1983) Are You Listening, Karen?
Puffin Plus
Suitable for 12+ yrs. Rebecca’s mother has died and Rebecca is always getting into trouble, but she discovers she is not the only one who is having a bad time.
Grollman, Earl A. (1993) Straight Talk About Death For Teenagers
Beacon Press Books ISBN 0-8070-2501-1
Suitable for 11+ yrs. A book that uses simple language on how to cope with losing someone you love.
BOOKS FOR PROFESSIONALS
Pennells, Sister Margaret and Smith, Susan C (1996) The Forgotten Mourners
Jessica Kingsley Publishers ISBN 185 302 7588
This book is well written with clear and simple guidelines for working with bereaved children.
Ward, Barbara and Houghton, Jamie in association with Cruse (1998) Good Grief
Kingsley Press
Book One for children under 11 yrs. Book Two for 11+ yrs.
Both are a good resource for teachers, as they include work sheets and guidelines for working with children in the classroom.
Jones, Angela Memories of…
Available from A.M. Jones, at 77 Moreton Road, Buckingham MK18 1JZ.
A simple booklet with guidelines for children to put together their memories and feelings of someone special who has died.
GAMES AND VIDEOS
All About Me. suitable for 5-9 yrs. A useful board game for use with children who have experienced a bereavement or trauma in their lives.
Produced by Barnardos.
That Morning I Went To School. A short video of children sharing there experiences and worries.
Childhood Grief. A training video with guidelines for working with bereaved children.
Both videos made by Susan Smith and Sister Margaret Pennells.
Buy or hire from Linda Tyrel, CAFS, 8 Notre Dame Mews, Northampton NN1 2BG.
Tel: 01604 604 608.
When a Child Grieves. A double video designed for professional use. Similar to the above. The Child Bereavement Trust, Harleyford Estate, Henley Road, Marlow SL7 2DX.
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